Machete (2010)

Machete 6

Running Time: 1hr 45 min.

Starring- Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro  – Directed by

Synopsis- Ex-Federale Machete has come to the US as a day laborer and was asked to assassinate a Senator from Texas, Whom which the Senator is trying to build a border wall to keep Mexican’s out. Machete takes the job to find out someone else is assigned and becomes framed for the attempt at the Senator. Now Machete is looking to find the guy that hired him and kill him, but finds out there is more to it then just a simple assassination.

Ran-Dizzle (Host)

I guess due to me being a Robert Rodriguez fan, and this being a fan based film that was made from a trailer in a movie as a spoof I liked it. Even though it was pretty hard to watch certain parts we’ll get to that in a minute. So when watching this I kept the mind set of this is one of those this is probably going to be bad movies. So why did you choose it? Because it’s a fun movie if your a fan obviously I am the only one who really enjoyed this movie out of this group.

Acting was done as best as can be for this style a film, What I loved about the film is you take a movie trailer and build a story out of it, by the scenes and writing I am looking that they made this film script in a weekend, at least that’s what it seems like. So when watching this I kept the mind set of this is one of those style of movies that is going to be bad.

Back to the acting,  I want to give Steven Seagal an award for Worst Mexican-Non Mexican Villain ever, He’s a sword fighting martial artist Cartel drug lord with cheap looking Katana blades, and I would laugh when he spoke Spanish, Now I know how my fiance feels when I speak it.  Jessica Alba was pretty hot and her nude scene was probably the best part of the movie .

Machete 2Michelle Rodriguez always catches my eye and in this one I think between her and Jessica they were the best female actors in the movie. Don Johnson was a nice surprise and I think was the best male actor in the whole film must be that KU acting school that did it for him. (Yes Don Johnson went to University of Kansas for Acting. Machete 7 )

I was a little shocked at first by Robert De Niro and his over-acting and classic facial expressions and then I thought about it, it’s a cheesy film. But he would have been the last person I would ever suspect of willing to do one of these style of films. And Cheech Marin as a Priest (Padre) the world has come to an end.

If you like to see blood and guts or cheap version of blood and guts then this movie is for you, chock full of cheesy special effects. My personal favorite was the guy landing on Jessica Alba’s car with a meat thermometer stuck in his head and shows the level going up. Like I said Cheesy-Cartoony Special Effects but with a cheap budget and being a class b movie I think it’s ok.

Overall I’d say for what it is, it’s an good movie. But if your looking for a block buster style movie this is not for you. If your a Robert Rodriguez fan or loved the very first El Mariachi then you’ll like this movie.


Big JD

Let’s say that you and your friends get together and make this kick ass trailer for this non-existent movie.  Ya know, you don’t want to go through all of the cost and pain of making a full length movie just want to show some kick ass scenes and make people go “ooh” while doing it.  Well, Machete is based off of a trailer from the movie Death Proof.  But the difference is that Robert Rodriguez went through with the cost and pain of making this a full length movie.  It was better left a trailer.

Machete 5The acting was a direct representation of the writing.  I’m sure it’s hard to act seriously when you have the material to work with that embodies this movie.  So, I’m giving the actors a benefit of the doubt on this one.  Although Lindsay Lohan could have done better.  I’m still trying to figure out why they used a body double for her first nude scene.  Especially if “nothing” was really revealed.  I’m guessing that she didn’t show up for shooting on that day, so they used a double.  Just speculation.  I have no interest in researching that.

It just felt like all of the actors were in tryouts in hopes of getting the lead in a high school play.  Not to mention all of the “flex” moments.  What I mean by that is the moments that a certain line was used and there was a moment to focus in on the actor/actress with a gun or something.  “Flexing”.  Danny Trejo did all right in the acting badass department.  It was just that I couldn’t buy it for one second.  I understand that this was supposed to be cheesy & over action packed.  I just couldn’t get on board with it like I would normally.  The blood and crazy death scenes were fun and exciting.  Although, there wasn’t much reason when they killed off characters.  Sometimes they were brought back (Senator) just so that they could be killed again by someone else.  The score/soundtrack was decent at keeping you feeling the intensity.  It did its job.  As for the overall plot?  Original it was.  Entertaining?  Meh.  A Senator has an aid make a fake attempt on his life so that he will be elected by a landslide.  Crooked politicians?  Boring.  Ma-Che-Tay is framed and wants revenge.  And he decides that since Torrez was somehow involved later on that he will have his revenge against him too.  See, now wouldn’t have Machete been after this guy since he escaped the burning house?  I guess not.  He wanted to clean septic tanks for awhile, then maybe revenge later if it presented itself.  Oh, and the Vigilante/Network war was about as pointless as two 90 year old men having an arm wrestling match.  Nobody really wins.  It’s just saddening.

I didn’t like the ending, not that it didn’t tie up some ends but more so because It was just overall lame.  I’m still trying to stomach Jessica Alba kissing Machete.  Not to be mean but… uuugghhhh.  Really, really hard to buy into.Machete 4

So, I saw that the next film will be Machete Kills and then Machete Kills again?  Well, Machete Kills comes out 2013 and it has Mel Gibson in it I’m guessing playing a drunk A-hole.  Charlie Sheen plays the President.  God help us.    Before I leave you, I need to know why Luz was waving an Egg in front of Machete’s face?  Then breaking it underneath the bed.  I’m so confused about that.  I mean, jumping out of the window using someone’s intestines was totally understandable. Heh.  But the egg?  Craziness!

Comic Book Movie Plus:  Jessica Alba:  Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Nudity Bonus:  Mayra Leal: Chica (3:10)(F) – Random Ginger Chick poolside Torrez Estate (27:59)(T) – Jessica Alba: Sartana (37:25) – Lindsay Lohan: April Booth (1:20:06) – Lindsay Lohan’s Body Double: (55:25) Alicia Rachel Marek: June Booth (55:07/55:25/1:20:02)(T)


Willie Good-Cook

-The public suicide of Robert Rodriguez’s career. Take 1-

The first I had heard of this movie was during the trailer’s on the movie “Planet Terror” as I am sure this is where most people had discovered it. The trailer had me very excited to see this movie. Bad ass fight scenes, hot women, cool one liners, and Danny Trejo. What’s not to like? Well it turns out, mostly the entire movie was not to like.

Granted, Rodriguez never wanted to make this movie. It was all done as kind of a joke for the trailer. The fans pushed so hard for this to be made that he as forced into it. So I do understand he was trying to make it as bad as possible so that there would never be another horrible movie like this again…until Machete Kills come out (They are in the works already…why? I have no idea. I guess they like flushing money down the toilet.).

The terrible writing was what bothered me the most. I am assuming the actors were doing as they were directed to. Considering the cast has many other movies to their names that were much better than this one. Seeing Jessica Alba mostly naked was a huge bonus. It was really the only reason we wanted Big JD to see this movie. Machete 1

I can say the premise was fairly original, and the sound track was surprisingly good. They even had a stellar cast set up for this movie. The plot was only ok, and the special effects were horrible. Again, some of this may be attributed to Rodriguez trying to sabotage this movie in every way possible. But if he really didn’t want to do another movie, why make another teaser at the end of this one. Even after enduring this movie, I kinda want to see Machete Kills and Machete Kills again after having seen the teasers. For not want to do these movies, Rodriguez sure does have a way of marketing them.

There were some funny scenes. The pussy phone and Machete’s one liners are probably my favorite parts. Other than then funny moments there wasn’t much to this movie. The action scenes were ok, but nothing special. Steven Segals character shouldn’t have ever been thought up, let alone made it into a movie. “I could kill you now, but you would just be waiting for me in hell.” You know, if the line had been delivered in any sort of professional way, it would have been great, but delivered how it was made me think that I was dumber for having watched this movie.

Machete 3


Fast forward to J.A.’s nude scene then take the movie back to redbox.




  1. recon8082 · January 31, 2013

    Here is the story behind the egg…

    • bigjd1976 · January 31, 2013

      Oh! ok, now I understand. Man, some peoples beliefs are just crazy sometimes. But hey, that’s what makes us all different right?

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